Fade away
by Artisticbelle
Summary: Alec has been crying for Magnus. But as he sees himself in the mirror, he is determined to stop, to be numb at everything. He is determined to let himself fade away. Set after COLS
1. Fade Away

He cried. He sobbed on his pillow every night. He cried everyday, not missing one minute except for when he was shadowhunting. It was the only thing that kept his mind apart from Him. Magnus... No, he couldn't think about the sparkly warlock. It would hurt too much. But Alec couldn't stop it. So he cried the pain away.

They all noticed. Isabelle tried to get him out of his room, to bring him food to eat. But he barely even touched it. He stared blankly at the wall every time she walked in his room. He used to whipe away his tears and stare. Look away when someone stepped into his eyesight.

It was not until 3 weeks later that Alec did it. After almost a month of crying, he did it. He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. And he noticed what he had done to himself. He looked so sick. He was paler than usual, his skin had certain yellowish tone. His torn-up jeans and sweater hung on his shoulders, showing how skinny he was. He had bags under his red eyes, demanding him for some sleep. His cheeks were swollen, and you could almost see the tracks of his tears. His own body was screaming at him, telling him to stop this abuse. The Shadowhunter stared into his reflection's eyes. He saw so much pain, so much hurt. Then he blinked. And he caught -from the corner of his eye- a glimpse of boldness. But after a second, it was over.

Alec took a deep breath and washed his face. He kept his eyes closed for a minute and then opened them again. This time, he saw something else. He couldn't quite place it, but it made him feel good. It made him feel better. He would be better someday. So he smiled at his reflection (something he had never done) and walked out the bathroom and into the kitchen. He ate everything that was in the fridge -everything that wasn't made by Izzy- until he was full (which wasn't much) and went into the training room. This time didn't want to kill demons until numbness. He didn't want to distract his mind. This time, he just wanted to let go.

Therefore, he did just that. The blue-eyed boy took his bow and arrows for the counter on his right. And he danced. He lost himself in a fight against the walls and he danced to the silent music. He shoot and and turned at the same time, not caring about hitting the target. He smiled at every arrow shoot and he laughed at every turn he did.

And then, it was over. The music the teenager was playing in his mind was gone. And he lowered his arms. They hurt and his feet did as well. But he wasn't breathless. It was as if he had done no exercise. And he didn't care even a bit.

That was the decision he had made. He wouldn't care. Alec would be numb to the world, not shy anymore. He would be numb to the whispers, not caring anymore. He would be numb to everybody but himself. From that day on, while he stood there, in the middle of the training room, he had decided not to feel Shadowhunter had decided that he would only feel joy when he was with himself and himself alone. No Magnus anymore. Maybe someday he would allow someone to be in his heart again. But not today. Today, he would let the pain fade away. Today, he would fade away.


	2. Lies of reality in a truthful madness

**A/N: So, as a request, I'm posting a new chapter. Thanks to all the one who reviewed and for the advice. I tried making it longer ('cause now I have a computer). The story was supposed to be a One-shot made in my IPod, but if I get more reviews it will become a Three- shot and so on. I don't know if Magnus and Alec will be together by the end, so review to find out!**

**-Belle.**

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Alec woke up from his daydream. Honestly, he didn't know whether he could still call this daydreaming. He would stare into space, thinking of nothing, feeling nothing. He was numb.

The teenager was staring at his reflection. His blue eyes looked sad to him for a moment. In that second, he saw his own breaking heart through someone else's life. Because that's what he had done: He couldn't feel anything, he just saw everything –every emotion, every tear, every thought- through a mask of numbness. He had lived through this numb track for so long that he couldn't think of a time he felt.

It had been 5 months now since the break-up. It has been 5 months since he had last seen those beautiful green and golden eyes. It has been 5 months since he had seen the one he loved.

Oh, yes, Alec still loved him. He knew it. It was a love that was still thrust into his heart. But he just couldn't feel it. He knew I was there, but he couldn't see it anywhere. He tried to find it in his eyes, looking deep into his blue orbs. But there was nothing.

And it was the day before that caused this needy looking.

* * *

He had gone with Izzy, Clary, Jace and Simon to Taki's for dinner. When they asked, he had faked a smile and nodded. He really wanted to spend time with his friends, he just didn't feel really happy. It had been a long time since he felt a thing.

They entered the restaurant and a fairy led them to their seats. It was Clary who had seen him first. She tried to change the dinner's place, warning Izzy and Jace about it. But it was hopeless. Alec saw Magnus just across their table. But it didn't upset him. He started worrying –he should be feeling something. But no. Not even when the boy that was sitting with him kissed him passionately.

Clary and Simon had looked at him with worry, while Jace and Izzy threw the warlock daggers with their eyes.

But the blue- eyed teen had just shrugged. He looked at his friends with confusion. He was over with him, couldn't they see that?

Dinner went on in silence, something Alec thanked. He had never liked talking. His friends keep on shooting glances between him and Magnus. But he didn't even look again at the warlock. It didn't hurt, it didn't make him sad. He was uneasy at this. It was supposed to hurt. But he believed it was because he was over. He believed the only lie that seemed to make sense.

After dinner, the shadowhunter had gone straight to the Institute while the others went to the movies. He entered to his room and fell asleep on his bed without a second thought. This was normal now. Being numb all the time, faking to everybody, pretending to have feelings- it all made him tired. It tired him mentally every day. So he slept. He went straight to bed after the day was over, even if he hadn't gone shadowhunting that day.

* * *

The raven-haired boy had woken up to a drowning feeling. No, it wasn't a feeling. It was a sensation. He couldn't breathe. He tried breathing through his nose, but it was no use. He sat up, his legs falling over the side of his bed. He gasped for air. He knew he was breathing, he must be breathing. He stood up and walked to the other side of the room, to the bathroom's door. He opened it and went inside.

And there he was now, breathing. Inhaling and exhaling while staring deep inside the mirror. He knew what had caused this new sensation: Magnus. He still loved him. But he couldn't find the love. It looked gone, but it wasn't. He leaned over the sink, closer and closer to the boy on the other side of the glass.

Alec knew it was crazy, but the boy seemed different. The boy wasn't him. The boy that was glancing back at him, through the looking glass, wasn't him. He was looking over the world through someone else's eyes. He didn't know how or why, but that boy wasn't him.

He tried to hold onto reality. The reality where he was there, in the mirror, and in the world too. He tried to hold onto the lie that he was over with Magnus. He tried to hold onto the sanity of numbness. He tried to hold on to the lies of reality in this world of truthful madness. Hold on before fading away.

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**A/N: So, did you like it? I know it isn't that long, but I have to go to bed, so yeah. Thanks for reading!**

**Love,**

**-Belle.**


	3. Holding onto nothing

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I loved them! But sorry this is so short, I have too much homework =C. But well, on with the story.**

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**Holding onto nothing.**

"_He's broken," _Clary had said,_ "You can see it in his eyes…: he wants Alec back."_

Alec couldn't believe what he had heard. Said warlock wanted him back… But he couldn't.

The shadowhunter closed the Library's door silently. He had overheard Clary's whispering. He couldn't quite place who she was talking to, but he didn't care. The whispering was still catchy, like a swirling song begging him to get in, to listen. But he couldn't. The blue-eyed boy didn't want to know any more. He just wanted not to think.

He walked down the hall to the training room. Lately, it has been the only place he could go to be himself. Besides of maybe the bathroom. Those were the only two rooms where he didn't have to play as a puppet. In those rooms he didn't have to play numb for himself and play feelings for the others. It sounded complicated, but that was his life. Every single complication diverging his thoughts into mad opinions. He couldn't place whether they were his own opinions or were simply the society's thoughts.

The teenager went into the room, finding no one there. He slowly reached for his bow, arrows and a seraph blade. He took a deep breath, trying to find his song again. That song that was always on his mind, telling him to be himself again, telling him to stop this insanity. Until he found it.

Alec closed his eyes and played the song in his mind, picturing the instrments, imagining where should he shoot the next arrow.

Long ago, he had decided he liked dancing with his bow. It felt like freedom bottled up in his brain. He liked it because he allowed him to feel everything, every inch of every sensation, feeling and emotion without feeling his heart's pain. He liked it because it eased his mind, at least for the very few seconds he had. He liked it because it helped.

The teen continued shooting arrows, hitting the same spots as the day before with the same arrows. It had slowly became some sort of routine. A routine that changed everyday but was still the same. A routine which he couldn't live without even if it wasn't as constant as he wished it was.

This new routine, this new way of living, was keeping him awake. This new routine was keeping him thinking, looking forward something every day and every night. It kept him from not waking up every morning.

As the song ended, Alec sighed. He looked over the door, and he thanked the angel for not hearing any footsteps this day. Sometimes, he would have to stop his dance because of someone approaching to the Training room. But not this day. This day, he could have his free time, to forget about life for just this little while where he could be free. He needed it. He walways needed it.

He left the bow on th counter and slowly walked outside. His feet hurt a little. He had moved them even more than other days. As he moved his feet down the hall again, the emotions went away and the numbness took over.

Then there was that fading sensation again. As if he needed to hold onto something. But there wasn't anything. He was fading.


	4. Too numb to feel love

**A/N: Hello! Sorry I've delayed so much to post this. I just can't seem to find time to write. I still have homework to do, though. So yeah.**

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**Too numb to feel love.**

Alec couldn't stop the tears from falling. He was crying again as he was lying on his bed. He couldn't help it – even numbness couldn't stop his heart from taking over his body.

He sat up slowly, being careful not to breathe too hard. Being careful not to choke with the knot in his throat. He knew why he was crying. But there was no feeling. Not anymore.

It was a dark night. Even with the lights of the city, his window looked pitch black. Just like his mind. The thoughts swirling around his head wouldn't stop. They were too much -too strange and contradictive to be coherent. Nothing seemed right. Being numb seemed so wrong now. Everything looked as if it was being seen from the other side of the glass.

A tear slipped down his cheek. No. He couldn't. He should stop now. Stop the pain with barriers of numbness. As soon as the thought was there, his feelings were gone again.

But then it was cold. All of the sudden, the room felt cold. Alec embraced himself, trying to keep the warm in his body. But his chest was heatless, his hands were shaking. So cold. So, so cold.

The teenager closed his eyes and breathed. Inhale, exhale. Over and over. That was the only thing that appeared to be right. Just breathing. Just enough for surviving. Not even living.

As he opened his eyes, all the memories came back to him. Incoherent thoughts ripping his mind apart. He hissed in pain. His head throbbed. All those voices talking… He remembered, oh, so well.

_"You should've seen him… He looked almost dead," Clary had said. "All his apartment looked broken. Even his cat looked dead."_

_Alec knew exactly who they were talking about. But he somehow couldn't imagine the warlock being as bad as himself. He kept on overhearing from the library's door. He was sure Jace, Izzy and Simon were there as well._

_"He deserves it" Izzy grunted. "Alec is just as broken."_

_"Yes. But Alec is through with him. We should help him, too. He's also our friend." Simon replied._

_"Didn't you see him in Taki's? He's obviously through with Alec too."_

_"Well, he certainly isn't. He isn't sparkly anymore. He doesn't even use make-up."_

_There was a silence. Even Alec almost gasped at the new information. No. That was wrong. Jace must have been wrong. Magnus couldn't be so bad. He couldn't be so broken._

_After that, he went straight to his bedroom, not daring to hear anything else. The teenager locked himself and went to sleep. There was nothing else he wanted to do. He was too tired to dance his problems away. Pretending was tiring, so he just slept. He just faded away in dreams and nightmares. _

And now here he was, awake again. He could still feel the tears on his cheeks from before going to sleep. All he could think was how did he do this to Magnus?

He walked to the bathroom, where the mirror was. And there he saw them. Those piercing eyes so full of sadness no one but him could see. So full of nothingness. Those eyes that held no more love. He knew he loved Magnus. Even after all this 6 months. But he couldn't see it. He couldn't feel it. He was numb.

Alec wanted it to stop. He wanted to stop being numb and feel love again. Feel the pain and the happiness. But he wasn't sure he could do it. He have been numb for so long, he didn't know how to go back and feel again.

And he wanted to feel. So he went to the training room again, at 3 a.m. Just to feel little more than nothing.

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**A/N: Ok, this was longer than normal, so please tell me if you liked it or not. Also, if you want me to keep writing, review, please. Or I will stop with the story. 'Cause, as I've said, this was supposed to be a short one shot written in my IPod, so I will only continue if you tell me you want me to. **

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love,**

**Belle.**


	5. Dying

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I loved them! **

**Pale-face: Thanks for reviewing! I always love some good criticizing =P. So, yeah, I know there should be some plot. But it's a little hard since I can't change POVs -The story is about Alec getting over Magnus while going through other problems of his own. Also, I know it can get exhausting (I am getting tired of it too) but I'm trying to build up something. Maybe it'll be shown in this chapter. ;)**

**Also, I know Alec and Magnus should be together and are meant to be, but I don't know if they'll finish that way. I'll see. I love them too, but Cassandra left me so sad about them...**

**Oh, well. Here it is! **

* * *

He was alone again, in the training room, dancing. Well, he was dancing until the staggering pain shot through his lungs.

He shut his eyes, trying to get over it. But it was pointless: His eyes burnt at the moment his lids closed. Alec tried taking a deep breath while opening his eyes. They hurt a little less, but he still found the need to blink again. But he didn't. He was in too much discomfort in doing it.

Then, the teenager tried breathing again. And there was that piercing sensation in his lungs, as if his ribs were perforating them, ripping his chest apart. Tears formed in the Shadow hunter's eyes as took the sleeves of his shirt and he pulled it off. There they were: the healed-looking scars. He tried breathing in again. And he gasped when he saw it. It was there for just a second and then faded again into his skin demonic infection had spread through his veins. It looked like a purplish paint glowing in his blood.

It was an understatement to say Alec was scared -he was terrified. He was now afraid of his own barriers. The numbness was only meant for the scars of his heart... Had he ignored the pain this long? Had he been numb until the angelic part of his body screamed at him? How could he not feel it from the start?

The scars had happened just a few weeks before, while he was on a mission with Jace.

_They were following a demon to a nest in what seemed to be the subway station. It wasn't a great idea since they were alone, but Jace was the master of great ideas. And being his parabatai, Alec went along with him._

_Jace was running by his side, his sight focused on the demon in front of them. He was always looking forwards. But Alec was more worried about the ones that could come from behind. His mind was only focused in hunting, nothing else. No feelings crawling into his head to distract him. Just the need to protect his brother from harm. _

_A few seconds later, they came to a stop. The teens whispered their seraph blades' names. The demon had seen them and had turned around. Alec thought it would be an easy task: Kill the demon and going away. After all, they wouldn't have anyone to lead them to the nest. _

_So the parabatais worked together again, in a strange dance. The raven-haired ran to one side as the golden-eyes one ran to the other. The splitting caught the black monster by surprise and lost their track for a moment. Alec ran into its eyesight again and distracted him by running in zig-zag. Then Jace came from behind it and stabbed it, as quickly as he could. The demon melted down within few moments._

_They both took deep breaths and smiled. At least the hunt was worth the running. _

_But then two other demons had appeared. These ones were bigger. The two teenagers knew they wouldn't be able to kill them that easily._

_They both looked at each other and nodded. The two brothers knew each other perfectly enough. _

_Alec went for the first one, punching the demon as hard as he could. As it fell to the ground and was about to slaughter it to death, he heard Jace's scream. The second demon had the golden boy in his big, claw-like arms. Jace's seraph blade was nowhere to be seen, so Alec went to help him._

_The blue-eyed boy soon kicked the demon's shoulders, making it let Jace go. But it turned around to him. The golden boy went to look for his seraph blade, sure that Alec could handle a demon on his own for a few minutes. But he couldn't handle two. _

_The first demon had gotten up again and was going for Alec. The black-haired boy tried to turn around to kill it, but it was too near for that. The demon's claws ripped through his shirt and into his chest's skin. _

_Alec screamed with newly found rage and stabbed the demon right through its head. It melted away while the Shadowhunter turned around just to slaughter the other demon's throat. _

_But then, the adrenaline was gone, and Alec felt weak again. Jace ran to his side as the pale teen fell to his knees in pain. _

Jace had put an Iratze over the bruises, but they didn't know the demon's poison was already inside his body. So it healed around the infection. And he hadn't felt it. He didn't feel the poison killing him until now.

It had been too long. It had been to much time being numb that it was now his that all it took? 9 months of not having any feelings. 9 months after the break-up. Maybe there was no turning back. Maybe he would stay like this forever -unfeeling, incapable of loving, heartless.

When his lungs couldn't bare the lack of oxygen anymore, he gasped again. And the purple spark reappeared and disappeared once again. His body bent forwards, begging him to stop the torture of breathing, to stop the stabbing pain. He fell on his knees, head almost touching the ground. This was too much. Too much for his body to bear with. Too much for his heart to deal with.

Dying. He was dying. Fading away from life. He needed someone. But no one was there. Alec had wanted to be alone. And now that he was, that the bliss of the dance was over, he was getting more hurt.

The lightwood boy tried shouting out for help, anyone who could stop the pain. But all that came out of his lips was a whisper. A lonely, sad murmur. His head throbbed with that small attempt of sound.

He looked up to a mirror that was just by the door. He looked pale, sick. He had gone back to where he started: he looked weak, big bluish purple circles around his eyes. His arms clutching his bare chest, holding his rib cage as if it was life. He looked into his eyes and he saw all the pain again. But there was no getting away from it now. Not anymore.

Suddenly, Alec heard footsteps on the hall, coming directly to the training room. The room where he was. He closed his eyes, ignoring the pain. And he prayed. He prayed for someone to find him, he prayed for someone to help him. He prayed for a way to stop being weak again.

And as the door creaked open to reveal Izzy and Clary, Alexander blacked out.

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**A/N: So, thanks for reading! Did you like it? Please leave reviews if you want me to continue. I want to say that I do these chapters without leaving cliffhangers. So if you don't want me to continue, you can assume Alec died or something. I repeat: this is not supposed to be a cliffhanger. **

**Thanks again! **

**Love,**

**Belle.**


	6. The numbness of it all

**A/N: Hey there! Thanks for all the support! Loved the reviews! Did you like the action scenes? =P **

**So, here's another chapter. ****I feel like it's a little too short, but I haven't got any time to write. Also, t****he first things in italics are actually Alexander's memories. **

**Hope you like it. =) **

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**The numbness of it all**

_Alec felt an outburst of pain. He clenched his teeth as he heard footsteps running towards him_

"_Alec?! Alec…" Magnus voice faded away. He was shaking Alec's inert body, trying to keep him awake. But the teen just fainted._

* * *

"_Alec?" He heard Jace's voice. The whisper was cracked though, as if he was sobbing. "Just wake __up, please… The rune is fading…"_

_Rune? What was a rune? Was he forgetting something? But he couldn't hear or think anything else Jace had to say. Darkness had swallowed him again._

* * *

"_Alec…"He heard Clary saying, "I know we weren't close… But I just want to say: We miss you. Izzy misses you. Magnus misses you. Jace misses you. Even I miss you. Please come back…" _

_He heard her footsteps fading away. W__ho was she, again?_

* * *

_He was in the shadow world again. __Shadow world… The thought felt familiar. But he didn't care. _

_He liked it here. He liked the numbness of the dark. _

* * *

Alexander was running. The light was chasing him again, whispering. He could feel it, getting nearer and nearer with each passing second. He didn't know why he had to run away from this glow –he just knew that each time it touches his body, he feels pain.

The shadowhunter looked back at the light. It was closer. He heard their voices, calling out for him. But it was too much, the pain was too strong. He didn't want to go to them. He preferred the dark. The painless, silent night.

He turned his sight back to the darkness and kept on running for what seem to be hours. Yet, he wasn't tired. Exhaustion didn't appear so quickly now. Did it ever? He couldn't remember. Everything looked real, even though deep inside him, he thought it was a dream.

Alec could still listen to the voices coming from the light. They were familiar to his senses, but what was he feeling? He couldn't recall any answers to his questions. His doubts were increasing at an amazing speed. And he slowed down, suddenly shocked by the amount of speculating in his mind. Who were those people? Were they crying?

Yes, he heard sobbing. It was radiating from the beam. He couldn't distinguish who it was from. But then again, he couldn't remember anything or anyone. They just clicked, somewhere in his head. However, he couldn't place where he had heard them before.

The light came closer, and so did the pain. The Lightwood boy almost shed a tear -if he just had remembered how.

Maybe today there wouldn't be so much pain. Maybe the people there would be merciful this time. Maybe he wouldn't go back to the safety of the dark again. The thought scared him, but encouraged him too.

This had been going a few times, going from one world to the other. He never knew which was real. Thus, he liked this one better. It wasn't as hurtful as the other one. Besides, it was simpler. His thoughts wouldn't revolve around his mind so quickly, sometimes he didn't even think at all. But problem came again with the light. He wanted to go back to the other world, but what would happen there? Would he be as safe as he was here?

The light finally overwhelmed the teen. It overcame his body, swallowing even the tiniest bits of night it came in contact with. His ribs hurt as he took a deep breath. He wanted to cry, to go back. But he couldn't. At least not now.

Darkness was there again, but this time it wasn't in his mind. His eyelids were closed, yet he didn't want to open them right away. He never opened them, but today he felt the need. But the want was overcoming. So he just laid there, unmoving and listening.

The shadowhunter heard their voices. At first, they were only murmurs. After a few seconds, they turned into unintelligible whispers. They slowly grew into female and male intonations. They sounded weird. Each speech was made out of words he did understand. Still, he couldn't quite place the meaning of each sentence. They all were incoherent for him. As he tried making some sense out of them, he recognized one voice.

He remembered it from somewhere. It sounded sweet. It felt good to his ears, like velvet caressing his skin. Like looking at a beautiful sunset. Yes, that was: it was certainly beautiful. Alec knew he loved that person, whoever it was. His mind was full of colors all of the sudden, as if trying to remind him of the boy articulating those words. Then he heard a sigh. Something was pulling him to open his eyes –such a beautiful sound must have been made by someone just as beautiful.

But he didn't.

He noticed another voice. This one was a woman's. It felt familiar, as if he had heard it all his life. Familiar in a different way from the other. The love and the need to see the person talking was different. He couldn't describe it. The feeling wasn't as strong as with the other guy.

Alexander tried concentrating on the male's voice. It brought a weird feeling into his stomach and he liked it. He liked feeling again. He liked being able not to be numb.

He wanted to smile. But he was too sleepy to do it. The only thing keeping him awake was the beauty inside that voice. The boy was talking again. He sounded worried. Alec soon started getting apprehensive. Why would he be upset? Such delicacy shouldn't be concerned about any matter in life.

The teen listened to the other voices, trying –and failing- to understand the reason for the uneasiness in the boy.

He couldn't hold it anymore. It was too much. He wanted to know what was going on. Was that too much to ask? He took a deep breath, holding a moan of pain that came bursting through his lungs.

And then, he opened his eyes.

And he remembered.

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**A/N: So, did you like it? Again, I ain't leaving a cliffhanger. You can pretend it ends here if you want. But if you want, I will continue. **

**Love, **

**Belle. **

**P.D. Sorry for the long wait. I've been having a hard time at school. =)**


	7. He's here to save him

**A/N: Hello! So sorry for the long delay. I just don't have time. =( But, well, here's the next chapter. The flashback is basically what happened just when Alec fainted at the Training Room. So, that said, enjoy!**

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And then he remembered.

_Flashback to five days before…_

Alec felt like floating. He could feel everything surrounding his pained body. Yet, he didn't seem to care. It felt like a dream, crawling into his mind. He could hear every footstep, every breath he or anyone could take.

"By the Angel!" Izzy screamed while running towards Alec. The older boy heard his sister's boots clicking on the floor and Clary's gasp. The two girls had gone into the Training Room. He tried to whisper them, to tell them he was fine. But he couldn't. He couldn't even see. The feeling of the cold floor against his cheek was the only thing that kept him knowing where he was.

The male shadowhunter was lying on the ground, his hands were holding his bare chest as if it was life. He felt a soft hand removing his arms from his wound. He heard another gasp and footsteps. And then he felt movement near him body. Clary had come to his side too.

"We need to get help." Clary's voice said. There was no answer. Maybe his sister was in shock… He felt more movement. Isabelle's hand was moving, as if the redhead was shaking it. "Izzy! We need help!"

"Whose help?!" Izzy suddenly shouted, shutting the redhead off.

Clary fell silent for a second. Alec felt her tense up. The Lightwood girl sighed again. Alec heard the the other one take a deep breath and mutter:

"Magnus'"

Suddenly, Alec opened his eyes, trying to breath. His lungs hurt. His body responded to the name, waking him up within a sudden movement. The reaction brought both girls to jump a little. He turned his head to them, feeling sleepier with each passing second. Yet, he knew he had to stay awake, but finally his mind gave into the illness again.

The two female shadowhunters tried to bring him back into consciousness by shaking him. But he didn't want to. It was too much of an effort, too much pain. He suddenly heard whispering, and Clary's footsteps running out of the room.

Seconds went by with Isabelle's broken voice, asking him to wake up. Alec wondered if she was crying. A moment later, he felt a cold drop falling on his hand, making him wonder no more. He felt horrible –his sister never cried. Now he wanted to go to her, hug her, comfort her. After all, he was her older brother. His sister stayed quiet for a minute.

"Please… I don't want to lose another brother…" Izzy whispered. Wait. Had he heard right?

Max… Of course, his younger brother… His dead brother. The thought still hurt, but not as much as it did at first. At the beggining, he had blamed himself, over and over. And he had had nightmares, and Magnus had needed to comfort him, 'till he fell asleep again. But now, he was okay. The little boy was in a better place –he had to be.

All of the sudden, Alec heard the Training Room's door bursting open, breaking the silence of his thoughts. Two people walked towards him. One had to be Clary… And the other Jace.

The Lightwood boy felt Jace's hands on his, shaking him in the same way Izzy had moments ago. Then he felt Clary's taking them away.

"We need to get him to the Infirmary" Clary whispered. He heard his brother taking a deep breath and slowly sliding his hands under his body. With some effort, Jace finally got him up. Alec knew he was looking weaker than ever, he knew he didn't want anyone to see him like this -he felt too small, too unimportant. But his body didn't answer to his mind's pleadings. The golden boy carried his dead weight all the way to the Institute's Infirmary, as fast as he could. Alec felt his breathing speed up with his pace.

Then, they arrived. One of the girls unlocked the door for Jace, before –knowing Jace- he kicked it open.

Alec felt his brother's hands laying him down at the first bed they found. He grunted without wanting to. The pain rushed over like a wave, crashing his every thought. He had always thought babies could just think of three things: No, yes, don't care. And now, his only thought was "No". Please, no more pain. Please, no. He didn't like it. Just no.

Another wave came and he couldn't hold back a small whimper. It hurt. Too much. He wanted it to stop. Please, just stop. He heard Izzy shouting at Jace, Jace, shouting at Izzy. And then, he felt one hand on his. Clary's soft hand squeezed his. And he knew. He knew what she would do… And he wanted her to do it.

As the third wave of pain came in, the oldest Lightwood let a tear fall. And then, he fell unconsciousness, as he heard Clary saying

"We need your help."

And then there was his only thought:

_Magnus is coming._

* * *

This time, he woke up with his voice.

"What happened?!"

Magnus' voice exploded in the silent room. Both of his brothers must have stopped shouting hours ago. Or only minutes? Seconds? Alec couldn't know. He wanted to open his eyes, to see him. But he couldn't. Why couldn't he? Was he really that weak? He heard Jace walking up to the warlock. His brother must have been outraged just at that moment. What was he going to say to Magnus?

A throe crashed his chest. Unwantedly, he let a small sob out. No. He didn't want that. Had they heard? The sudden quietness answered him. Of course they did.

The warlock was the first one to break the silence, his beautiful voice being nothing but a whisper.

"Everybody, out." Alec heard everybody's footsteps walking out and closing the door. Their reaction was strange –they'd usually ask too many questions, leaving little time. Clary must've convinced them Magnus was his only chance. Even he believed so. But he didn't want to hurt more. He was in too much pain now.

For the first few seconds, his ex-boyfriend didn't move. Alec's thoughts rushed over his mind, swirling and turning. What was the Downworlder waiting for? Would he help him after all? Was he even looking at him? Did he regret everything they went through?

And then, he asked himself the unthinkable: Did they still loved each other?

Magnus sighed. Alec wanted to sigh too, yet he couldn't. The warlock walked to his bed, sitting next to it.

"What have you gotten yourself into?" he asked absentmindedly.

The shadowhunter felt his hands being lifted up, uncovering the scars. He heard the Downworlder gasping. Knowing all about demon poisoning, he knew how it must've been looking: The flesh would look cut open, his pale skin would just show off the venom's blue and purplish tone. Maybe, if it had been just a few hours, he wouldn't look so bad. But as the poison had stayed in his system for weeks, he knew his scars looked as if he was rotting, as if he was long dead. But he knew he was rotting alive. His skin was beginning to decompose without him even being dead.

"Oh, God" was the only thing he heard Magnus mutter before he started working.

Alec also knew what the warlock was doing. Yet, it was impossible to do it. The Lightwood boy knew that there was no way to bring someone back to life, and that was what the poison did –it tricked the body, so it would believe he was dead. His heart was slowing down as it got closer. Soon, it wouldn't only be a trick. He would certainly die. He let a silent tear fall down his cheek.

"No, you can't go now. You promised me forever, remember?" Magnus' voice… so beautiful… But he couldn't stay forever, could he? He was mortal, after all. He was going to die, and Magnus would live. That was the deal, after all. "I will stay with you forever… Please…" His voice broke in sobs. His Alexander… He had to save him.

"_Magnus Bane had to be brave._

_What would the warlock do to save_

_The one he loves from death?_

_Alexander took a deep breath,_

_Goodbye was the only thing to say._

_Will his lover let him fade away?"_

* * *

**_A/N: So, did you like it? Should I continue? Please tell me on a review. It would really make my day!_**

**_Love,_**

**_Belle._**


	8. Tick, Tock

**A/N: Well, hello! So, so sorry for the loooong delay. I've been dealing with... stuff, therefore I haven't been entirely able to continue. So, to make up to you, guys, I've written a longer chapter. This is also the end of the story. ****I've been planning on writing an epilogue (****or would it be too much?)****, so just tell me if you would like one in a review or a pm. **

**Love,**

**Belle. **

**__****P.S. SUPER IMPORTANT NEWS AT THE END. **

* * *

**Tick, tock... **

_And then he remembered. _

Alec could remember the night the warlock did it.

Or was it morning? He couldn't know. His eyes had been closed all along. But now they were open. But what were they seeing?

The shadowhunter heard many voices in his head. Pictures and sounds were forming in his mind, blurring his sight. He couldn't see anything but the images of his own memories. He couldn't hear, except for the voices in his head. He heard Izzy's voice from years ago, from when she was just a little girl.

"Tick, tock, makes the clock…."

He could recall his sister's memory. She was just dancing around the hall, waiting for their parents to come back. He remembered his bedroom's door, listening to her beautiful voice. She sounded just like his mother, just a little bit more high-pitched. He remembered sighing. He remembered his mother.

Everything was black all around the memory. He could only see himself, waiting for something as well. But he wasn't waiting for his mom. No. He was waiting for something else… What was it?

Alexander took a deep breath –his eyes still wide open, yet unseeing. Another memory came, spinning around his head, messing with other memories. Isabelle was still singing, a whisper in the loud silence. Max was sitting on the couch, reading a mundane's book. He looked so happy… At the thought, another memory flew by: Jace running by his side. A gust of golden in all the fuzziness of velocity. His sister's voice faded into his mother's. She was speaking in French, he recognized.

Just a moment later, a spark ignited in what should've been Jace's left eye. Both parabatais slowed down. The spark was blue. A small blue flame in his brother's eye. Slowly, the flame started to expand, burning all over the golden boy's face. Soon, the flames started to rise… downwards. The fire just started covering the whole body, burning every inch.

But Jace wasn't even paying attention. And Alec, in some part of his mind, knew that this was okay. He didn't have to worry.

A few seconds passed by and the fire started burning out. The darkness overwhelmed the whole space again. The shadowhunter thought that he would see his parabatai turned into ashes. But how wrong he was.

The light from the blue flames started to fade, leaving something behind. The flames died down slowly. From the top, spiked black hair appeared… Wait. Jace didn't have black hair… Did he?

No, he didn't.

The fire left the face uncovered soon enough. And the man behind it wasn't his brother. No, far from that. The man there was beautiful, too beautiful. His cat eyes –the color a mix between green and golden- had at least a thousand years of wisdom. His face was flawless, not even a bit of make-up. Yes, he was wearing make-up. It made his look a little too sparkly, a little too old. He as well might have had a thousand years as well as 18 (or 23 with the make-up).

The flames faded away after just a moment later. Alec discovered that the man was just a little bit taller than him. That was weird… He could remember he was always taller, but even with that he was mostly unnoticed.

The man looked at him.

Alec knew this man. This man was Magnus, the love of his life. The one who broke all the rules around his world. The one who had saved him countless times. The one who broke every insecurity… The man who broke his heart.

Magnus suddenly spoke to him. Just a murmur in the dark. The teenager couldn't really catch it. It seemed too far away. But the warlock was close to him, as if he was able to touch him.

Alec didn't want to touch. The image seemed fragile. He tried looking through Magnus. Maybe he was not there, maybe he was just something his mind had created to cope with the loneliness of the memories.

Maybe Magnus was really gone.

The blue-eyed boy sighed. He remembered his broken ribs, and noticed that they didn't hurt anymore. Maybe someone had saved him… Maybe –just maybe- Magnus would take him back. Even if he was dead. Even if he was gone. Maybe the image of Magnus could help him to get through it all… The thought was enough to make his head hurt.

Then he remembered he already had his eyes open.

Magnus' image started moving, changing. As if he was metamorphosing into something –or someone- else. The darkness around him was fading, fleeing from Magnus' light. Yes, light. The cat-eyed man was emitting a dim light, just enough to light up the place around them. And then, it started growing. It was stronger with each passing second. Until everything was light. Everything was white and Magnus.

The warlock turned to him, with a worried look on his face… He was there, with no make-up and no spiked hair. Alec could remember when he first saw him like that… And he remembered he thought the man was even more beautiful, if that was possible.

But this time, the 800-year-old man looked tired and scared. Too worried about something. So sad it was that way… Alec wished he could make it better.

The teen opened his mouth to say something. But what could he say? Was there something to say? There were questions and doubts, of course… but was there anything he could just say?

Then, it came to his mind:

"Magnus…"

Damn.

Yeah, that was his only thought. His voice sounded weird, below the whisper. He suddenly wondered if Magnus had heard.

"Yes, darling, I'm here." He saw Magnus smile and nod happily. Oh, by the angels… That smile of his…

Just in that moment, he noticed where he was. He looked around, and he was in the Infirmary. He turned to his left, and there were Jace, Izzy and Clary smiling happily too.

He took a deep breath.

"Hey guys…" Oh, well, his voice sounded better –more like a confident whisper.

"Hey…" Was their only response, their voices were just as low.

Alec turned to Magnus again. He saw the warlock holding his hand tightly, as if trying to know if the was really there. The shadowhunter squeezed his hand softly and slowly sat up. He could see everybody easier now.

"What were you discussing about?" he said after a small pause. Magnus looked at the others. His expression darkened by worry and something else… But Alec couldn't put a finger on it.

The Lightwood boy directed his eyes towards Jace, then Izzy and finally Clary. Somehow, he knew they were all sad. Why would they be sad? But as he looked at them, he also saw hope. Were they hoping he could live? Was the injury that bad?

Turning again to Magnus, he saw a hint of regret. Yes, that was it –regret and hope mixed together in a strange cacophony. He looked troubled. As if he was hoping for something he knew he would regret.

Again, he was wrong. He didn't know it yet… But he would…

The 18-year-old looked at his arms. They looked normal. His pale skin contrasted weirdly with his black clothes. His arms were flawless –the iratzes left no scars- and there were no marks… Wait… his marks… What had happened to his marks?

His heart sped up. His breathsing fastened. His mind running a thousand miles an hour with just one thought: _Why?_

He looked at the others. They looked terrified. What? Weren't they going to explain what had happened to him?

Alexander looked at his hands again, panicking even more. A purple spark flew over his fingers. It looked like Magnus' sparks… Exactly like Magnus' sparks.

Taking deep breaths to calm himself down, he looked at Magnus, pleading him for an explanation. But he just looked so regretful and scared. Oh, so scared…

It was too much… Too many memories, too many thoughts, too many doubts.

So he fainted.

* * *

He woke up slowly, his eyes opening to a morning in the Infirmary… Why was he there again? O, right, he was dying. And then Magnus had… Magnus had…

Everything that had happened before fainting hit his mind in a flash. His head pounded, but he was more calmed now… He knew what Magnus had done, but it was still so difficult to assimilate… Maybe his brain could cope with everything better now… Maybe today…

All of the sudden, he hear a snore coming from the right. There was Magnus, sitting on a chair right next to his bed. He looked so tired yet so young, just lying there with his head resting on his own shoulder. Alec sighed. He looked so beautiful… Too beautiful to wake him…

But curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?

The Lightwood boy took a deep breath and moved closer to the edge of the bed. He stretched out his left arm to touch the warlock's right cheek. At first, the man just cuddled against the hand.

"Alexander…" he muttered softly.

The teen chuckled… That was his Magnus… No, wait, was Magnus still his? He couldn't know…

Magnus' groan interrupted his thoughts. He stayed quiet while Magnus' hand took his, slowly caressing it while opening his eyes. Green met blue.

"Hey…" Alec said, smiling at the other's sleepy eyes.

"Hey..." He murmured silently. After a small pause, the warlock incorporated himself on the chair and sighed, letting the blue-eyed boy's hand go. "I believe you have thousands of questions now…"

Alexander sighed and slowly sat up again. No, he didn't have that many questions. He knew exactly what Magnus had done… He had seen it in that book just when he went to pick up his stuff…

"I know what you did." Alec whispered after a long silence. The warlock looked up, a glimpse of confusion in his eyes.

"You do?"

The teen nodded. He was so sad… He knew what had Magnus done, how many things he had sacrificed. He looked down at his palms.

"You… You gave me half of your life." He whispered. He heard no response. Had he heard him? He shyly looked up. Magnus' eyes were wide open.

"…How?" He was speechless. Maybe he didn't remember he had left the White Book open in that page that night.

"When I went to the lof to recover my stuff I saw the Book open in that spell." Alec took a deep breath. "You gave me half your life, your powers…" He only saw Magnus nod.

"And I suppose you know the repercutions…?" It was more a question than an affirmation.

"…We will both live forever" Magnus looked at him, begging him to continue. Alec gulped, steading his breathing. "But if one of us dies, the other will too."

"Yes." Magnus kept nodding silently, still in shock, having nothing but regret in his eyes. The blue-eyed boy frowned.

"Do you regret doing it?"

The older man looked up, frown in place. They looked deep into each other's eyes until the warlock sighed and closed them with a pained expression.

"No. Nota ll of it." Alec looked at him, confused. "I only regret condemning you to an immortal life" The warlock turned away, as if seeing Alexander hurt too much.

The blue-eyed boy stretched his arm once again, touching the man's cheek and making them look at each other again. They both slowly leaned closer until their foreheads touched.

"May I stay with you during that life?" Alec whispered.

The warlock looked into his eyes, surprised. He thought he would see some kind of regret or indecision in those blue pearls. But there was none.

"Yes, we can be together…" Magnus Bane said to Alexander Lightwood, "We can be our forever."

And they kissed.

* * *

_**A/N: Did you like it? Is it good enough? It is over now, sadly. I am happy for going throughout this journey through Alec's mind and feelings. And I am extremely glad to know I've had people to support it. So, review if you can and tell me if you like the ending. And would you like an epilogue? (Is that how it is called?)**_

_**SUPER IMPORTANT: **_**Maybe -just maybe- I will write a second part to this. I have never done that before, so I am thinking of trying it out. But I really need you in this -I would love to know if you wuld like a sequel or not, cause I ain't writing something that won't be read. Please tell me if you would want this to continue or not. Also, I am open to ideas for it. So, yeah. **

**Love,**

**-Belle. **


	9. Epilogue: Wings

**A/N: Well, hello again! This is the Epilogue and the cue to the new story! Yay! I think I have some ideas for it, but I will let them rest and get some chapters done before posting it. I wouldn't want to leave you guys and gals without posts for weeks like I've done for so long. But, back to the story, if you don't want to read the second part, just read up onto the line. =)**

**So, hope you like it,**

**-Belle.**

* * *

**Epilogue**

"_We can be our forever"_

_And they kissed._

The door burst open. Clary, Jace and Izzy walked into the infirmary, all dressed in black, all looking extremely concerned. Magnus and Alec broke their kiss reluctantly. Why did they have to enter at that exact moment? Couldn't they wait?

The raven-haired boy sat up on his bed quickly, blushing softly. Magnus couldn't help but smile - his Alec was blushing once again, the pink color doing wonders on his pale skin. So beautiful...

The Lightwood boy looked at his fellow shadow hunters: Jace looked between him and Magnus with an arched eyebrow while Izzy looked like she was going to pounce and pull him into a bone-crushing hug. Only Clary looked calm. She smiled softly and had a relieved spark in her eyes. Alec gave her a small, thankful smile.

He turned back to Magnus and his smile grew larger. His boyfriend was staring deep into his eyes lovingly. Oh, how had he missed that look.

As his eyes darted back to the other people in the room, he felt two pairs of arms holding him tightly. Izzy and Jace had gone closer and were hugging him. He felt a little weird but gave them a small hug in return.

"You scared me, man" Jace said as he pulled away, patting his back. "Thought you'd leave me here to suffer from Izzy's cooking all alone."

Alec gave into a small, soft laugh. "I would never do something as evil as that" he replied.

Izzy, who was still attached to him, slapped him on the back of his head. "Shut up, you idiots!" She unwrapped her arms from Alec's shoulders with a sad, relieved look in her eyes. "I thought you would die! Never -EVER- do that to me again!" she said with her face hard as stone.

"I'm glad to see you too" the boy said half-laughing. He looked at Jace and Clary, who had one arm around each other. His eyes started feeling heavy, sleepy.

He felt two arms slidding around his torso from behind.

"Well, I think we've got to get you some more rest." Alec nofaded as he cuddled into his warlock's arms, slowly drifting to sleep. He felt Magnus chest vibrate with laughter and heard his fingers snap to create a portal home.

_Back home_, was his thought before falling into unconsciousness once again. This time, he was happy.

* * *

Alec woke up slowly. His head pounded, his back hurt and his eyes were still sleepy. He winced as he sat up sluggishly, pushing the blue covers out of his way. He was trying to remember yesterday's events. Yet, he couldn't recall any memory from the day before. It felt queer, like the memories should be there, but weren't. Just like a black hole, absorbing his thoughts into nowhere.

The shadowhunter looked to his left. There was his sleeping beauty – Magnus. And then, all the memories came back in a flash: Waking up, Magnus' spell, Jace and Izzy, Magnus' promise of forever... Everything.

He looked at the clock tiredly. 3 o'clock. _Ugh_. Alec wanted more sleep, but the piercing pain in his head wouldn't stop. Maybe some water would help, maybe he was dehydrating… Was this some side effect from the spell? He couldn't remember what he read on the book...

The teen turned again to his lover and his smile grew back up to his face. No, this wasn't a side-effect. Magnus would've warned him. This was just a headache.

Alec grunted as he got up to his feet. He walked nonchalantly towards the kitchen. He flinched when the creaking sound of the door invaded his ears. He took a deep breath and kept walking.

When he arrived to the kitchen, he took a glass and filled it with water. He saw, from the corner of his eye, a small twinkle on the glass. He glanced at the glass languidly, until he dismissed it. It sure had been nothing, just his sleepy mind playing games. He drank the whole base as quickly as he could and served himself another one. He rubbed his omoplates for a moment.

The 18-year-old waltzed towards the bedroom door while sipping his second glass of water. But stopped dead in his tracks halfway. Nature called and he had to attend. He turned towards the bathroom door. It was nearly impossible to miss- it was completely white, while the walls around it were bright green. It felt nice being there. Everything was so… lit up.

He opened the door to the bathroom and walked in with that sleepy smile still plastered on his face.

The bathroom wasn't disappointing, either. It was blue, completely. Different shades of blue filled the place –the walls were painted light blue, while the sink had a darker tone.

Alec went to the sink to lay down the vase.

But it fell off his hands with a painful sound.

He stared at the mirror.

Shock and horror overwhelmed him.

Just behind him, black wings hunched together to fit in the bathroom's small space. But the wings didn't have feathers. No, they weren't that beautiful –this one's were bat-like. He could see the veins going through them, the muscles tensing…

Alec stood there, freaking out inside to no end, but not knowing what to do.

"Alec? Alec, I heard a glass break, was it you?" Magnus voice went inside the place like a soft wind running through the door.

Magnus knocked once, twice.

"Alec, what are you doing? May I come in?"

The boy just kept staring silently at his reflection. Maybe it was some kind of illusion. It should be.

The warlock walked through the door.

"Alec, what- "

Magnus' eyes widened. He looked shocked and terrified. He shook his head, as if trying to convince himself this was not happening.

"Oh, dear Lord, not this…"

The teen turned to his and realized what his lover meant.

He turned back to his reflection. He didn't know if he felt desperation or sadness or shock… Or the three of them, all at once….

All he knew was that these wings weren't an illusion.

These wings would never fade away.

* * *

**A/N: Cliffhanger! Oh, I even hate myself for this one.=/ So, as you've seen, the next part will be a little delayed due to some stuff. Maybe I'll write some songfics to keep me from author'a block and to keep you from getting bored of waiting. So, yeah. Tell me what you think! **

**Love,**

**-Belle. **


End file.
